13 Feb

deep depression today

I started on a new drug at the beginning of the week; Efexor (or “venlafaxine”, by its non-commercial name). My doctor said it has received good press from some users.

Of course, “some” does not mean anything more than “more than 0% and less than 100%”.

Efexor, unlike my previous drug, Cipramil (an SSRI), is an SNRI. This means that, as well as combatting my depression, it also combats the malaise that I feel – the lack of concentration and motivation that makes me feel guilty about the amount of work that I do (I know that it’s good work, but I feel I could do more if I could focus on it).

While reading up on SNRIs, I came across this page. Section 9 of it describes what I’m feeling right now, I think.

I feel like I spent most of the last week awake, was allowed to get to sleep, then woken up four hours later and thrust straight into a demanding schedule. The thing is, though – I’ve had ten hours sleep, I try to get at least eight hours of sleep every night (to bed at 10pm, up at 6:30am), and my thoughtful fiancee never forces me to do anything around the house that I’m not up to. There is no obvious reason for me to feel this way, but I do.

Actually, one of the reasons I went to my doctor in the first place was this feeling. It feels like I am trying to cope with two or more straws too many, while all around me are people jogging while juggling straw bales.

Earlier today, I almost cracked again. Jareth was screaming his head off about teeth coming up through his gums, and I was trying to not get too upset by the sound. My chest was tightening, I was finding it hard to concentrate, and my jaw ached. Eventually, I had to get up and find somewhere quiet to stand and look out on my garden. I would have gone out there, but there’s a gale wind blowing.

I really felt like the best thing I could do right then was to leave the house and go to work (on a Sunday, no less!), just for a bit of silence.

He’s asleep now, and there is much less noise. I hate to blame him, as he is an un-knowing conspirator in the out-to-get-me war, but the noise was tearing me apart.

Venlafaxine apparently takes about two weeks to start working, so what I’m feeling now may actually just be what I would be feeling without any drugs at all. I stopped using Cipramil a week ago, and the “flush-time” for that is normally about 48 hours, so I guess I can be considered “stabiliser-free” now for about five days. The new drugs should kick in, within the next week. I look forward to not feeling shitty.